Lavender the fruit fly
by CriminalGleePotter
Summary: Lavender knows everything about everything at Hogwarts and has decided she needs a new gay bff.
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, so, PLOT BUNNY! I wanted to write a story where Harry came back from break a completely different person. In this case, smart, carefree, and extremely flamboyant. I got to thinking "How would that happen?" And it hit me. Lavender. She is possibly the girliest (it's a word cause I say so) most fun character in the fandom and she's so under used. Lavender in my story is going to talk... basically like I do. Lol. She's going to be slightly dim and slightly shallow here, but her heart is in the right place. I think it would take an outsider (Lavender) to see everything that's wrong in Harry's life at this point (Summer after fifth year). I want him to have some honest, muggle, teenage fun. Let me know what you think! Next chapter will be posted after I write it. So in like... A few hours or less .**

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><p>Harry cursed himself for the hundredth time and tried, in vain, to open his eyes.<p>

The last thing he could remember seeing was the exit from platform 9 3/4. He had been locating Hedwigs cage from the boot of the express when he ran a tiered hand over his face. before he could uncover his eyes, a Petrificus Totalus hit him straight in the back and his body froze.

He wasn't sure how long ago that had been. He had tried to remember what directions had been taken as his body was moved, but the best he could guess, he had only been manhandled to the station floo and thrown in. He tried to remember every detail of his capture, but there wasn't much to go on. He was levitated rather then touched, his eyes were frozen closed, and the only noise came from a pair of light footsteps directly behind him.

He dropped roughly out of the floo and on to a hard stone surface. Attempting to move his limbs showed his was still thoroughly incased in his captures spell. His body was gripped by another levitation spell and he felt the air around him bending a a he was propelled forward.

He had never felt more like crying. Like giving up. Ron had been thrown by a chess piece, attacked by a teacher, drug away by a grim, and set upon by enchanted brains. Hermione had been cornered by a mountain troll, petrified, run ragged by a time turner, victimized by the press, assaulted for such, then sliced open on their latest adventure. He couldn't protect Ginny, he couldn't protect Cedric, He couldn't protect Sirius, and now he couldn't protect himself.

He was supposed to be smarter then this. Instead he allowed himself to be plucked right off the platform! Sirius would be so disappointed in him. He felt tears burn eyes which couldn't cry and was thankful to the spell for hiding his moment of weakness from his captor. Finally, both he and the footsteps came to a stop and he felt himself being manhandled into a seat as more spells were shot to bend his frozen limbs. His wand was pulled out of his back pocket with a scoff and his arms were tied at the base of his back.

He heard a soft voice speak the incantation to the silencing spell and his heart sank. Finally the original spell was removed and his eyes flew open to reveal... Lavender Brown?

The for mentioned Gryffindor paced for a moment and bit her lip before turning to Harry and giving a cheery wave.

"Hi! So.. You're probably wondering why I kidnapped you. I mean of course you are. If I was kidnapped that'd be the first thing I'd think is 'Why am I being kidnapped.' not that you're a kid or anything, in fact were the same age so I don't even know if this is like, kidnapping. Maybe like... abduction?"

Harry would have laughed if the situation were any different. Instead he raised one eyebrow and watched as the girls face turned bright red.

"Right. I do that. The talking thing, I mean. What I was getting at is that I'm not going to hurt you. And I didn't take you for a stranger or you-know-who or something. Although, no offense or whatever, but kidnapping you was really really easy! I mean... You'd think they'd have people watching you!"

Harry's eyes narrowed and he made a 'continue' motion with his head. She was right, of course. Kidnapping him HAD been pathetically easy.

"Oh. That was kind of mean huh? Well I'm sorry for, like, taking you. But I didn't really know what else to do! I mean... You know I know like EVERYTHING that happens at Hogwarts right?"

She actually waited for him to nod, which was kind of funny.

"Well yeah So people are totally screwing you over. I hear them talk about it all the time. You know, for someone who talks so much, everyone seems to forget I'm there! What was I saying? Oh yeah! People are totally going behind your back and stealing from you and stuff. There's actually a group of people whose job it is to keep you stupid! And you're so chalk full of potions I'm surprised you can function. Is that the phrase? Chalk full? doesn't make much sense does it? Anyway, I heard Rose Smith, that's the gryffindor a year below us, I heard her telling Jade from Ravenclaw that Ginny said that the war was going to kill you. Then I heard you telling Ron Weasley that you had to go back to your relatives and it hit me! You might actually die in this war without having done anything! No parties! No night clubs! No regrettable tattoos or piercings! You haven't even realized you're gay yet!"

Gay? Seriously? Harry yanked at his bindings and tried to yell a denial before remembering he was silenced.

"I tell you all that and 'gay' is what gets you? Sorry honey, but you're 15, you're 5'2, and you have more hip in your walk then I do. Don't worry, once we get those potions out of you, you'll see."

Harry looked down to his lap and scowled. He didn't want to believe it. Any of it. People were keeping him stupid? Feeding him potions? He just lost Sirius. He didn't want to risk losing all his friends too. He looked to Lavender with a pleading expression.

"I'm so sorry Harry. I didn't want to make you sad I just... I want you to have a chance here, you know?"

Harry bit his lip and nodded.

"Great! So here's my plan. I'm not letting you go back to Your families house. You need to live a little. We're going to get you healthy, then spend the summer having fun and getting you in shape. Right now we're in my flat in London. When I let you go, we're taking a port key to the US. I'm taking you to the nearest hospital, my treat, and getting you fixed up. After that, We're doing some partying, DEFINITELY a makeover, we're going to study our butts off so you can re-take your OWLS, and by the time you get back to school in September, no one will even recognize you! I always wanted a gay BF. I was practically born to be a fruit fly.


	2. Chapter 2

Lavender squirmed as she took the bindings and silencing charm off of Harry and took a seat. For a long while both were silent. There were a million things that wanted to fly out of her mouth, but she HAD just turned the guys life upside down and he probably needed a minute. Instead she mentally went through last month's issues of Fashion Witch, which was thoroughly memorized, and waited for him to talk first. Finally Harry opened his mouth... Only to close it again.

Lavender smiled slightly in remembrance of the silver formal robes on page 13 and was slightly shocked when Harry cleared his throat.

"So. Can we just.. Start from the beginning?"

Lavender nodded enthusiastically. "For sure! Where's that? We've got two hours until the port key goes off."

Harry smiled.

"How about we start with keeping me stupid?"

Lavender nodded.

"Good beginning. Okay, well basically I was supposed to be in detention for talking to Parvati during transfigurations but I TOTALLY forgot cause we were looking at the new issue of teen witch so I got sent to the headmasters office. Well when I got there, Ron and Hermione were already inside and the door was cracked. I was just going to leave, but well, I'm me. So I was listening at the door and they were talking about you! from what I understand the headmaster wants you docile... I had to look that up... so you'll like 'sacrifice' yourself 'when it's time'. He's kept you out of all these classes that the muggleborn usually do, and it's Ron's job to keep you out of the library and away from studying. If you DO go to the library, Hermione keeps you away from anything relevant. They get paid for it. That and informing the headmaster of whatever you're doing. The headmaster mentioned the money comes from the Potter estate, which you,supposedly, don't know exists. The headmaster said you couldn't go to the Wesley's or to headquarters this summer because you were getting too headstrong. "

Harry wiped away a tear. there's no way she could have known all that unless it was true. The three people he cared about and trusted most were conspiring against him. He thought back to every visit to the library where Hermione would steer him away from certain sections. He thought back to Ron asking if he wanted to play chess or go flying every time he tried to study.

"So they are being paid to keep me stupid and spy on me so I'll be willing to kill myself for the war?"

Instead of answering, Lavender stood and made her way to Harry. She sat on his lap and pulled him in to a hug. Harry surprised both of them by pulling her closer and burying his face in her neck.

"You know, if I didn't know you were gay, this would be totally hot."

Harry laughed.

"You seem pretty convinced I'm gay I don't really feel gay I don't really feel anything for anyone."

Lavender nodded. "That's how I know you're gay! Other then an excellent gaydar that is."

Harry raised a brow.

Lavender moved so she was sitting more comfortably on his lap.

"For the last year I've seen Ginny slipping potions into your drink. She sits to your left and you're always looking to your right. I didn't recognize most of them, hence the healer, but any girl worth her salt knows a love potion. She's used one three times. If you were straight, it would have worked, but love potion is a lot like veela charm in that it can't work miracles. It can't make a gay man straight. Instead it mimics asexuality. It makes it so you don't want anyone. Your body is telling you to love a female when you can't, so instead you don't feel attraction at all."

Harry thought back to the kiss with Cho which he had described as 'Wet'. It made sense.

"And the OWLS?"

Lavender gave his arm a squeeze.

"Harry, I don't know what your friends told you, but OWLS will follow you forever. When you want to get a job, both your OWLS and your NEWTS pop up on your application and they WONT take you if you fail either one. They may accept you just because you're the boy who lived, but I know you don't want to get by on that alone. Plus you are expected to slay a dark lord! You need to learn everything you can. That's not to say we won't have fun too... Trust me, you'll be hungover half the summer, but you need to get in shape and buckle down in those books if you're gonna live. And now that you're my new gay BFF you HAVE to live. I'm to fabulous for black. It clashes."

Harry let out a laugh that was half hysterical and nodded.

"Let's do this then."

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><p>Regardless of Lavender's offer, Harry insisted on making a stop at Gringotts for money. He wasn't sure what those potions were either, but he was pretty sure it was going to be expensive.<p>

Lavender applied some make-up to his scar and charmed his hair blond before the two made their way to Diagon Alley.

Inside the bank, Harry walked up to the first familiar Goblin.

"Hello Griphook! I need to talk to someone about my account please."

Griphook gave a weary glare before nodding and making his way to the door behind him.

Lavender raised an eyebrow. "Offend any goblins lately?"

Harry just shrugged. "Don't think so."

Before either could say more on the subject, Griphook returned.

"Follow me, please."

Harry and Lavender rounded the tellers booth and followed Griphook through an elaborate door and down a long hallway. Eventually they stopped outside an office with a name plate that read 'Ragnook.'

Griphook pushed the door open and announced.

"Mr. Potter and guest for account inquiry."

An angry looking goblin nodded and gestured the two to the seats in front of his desk. It was impossible to tell if he was angry, or just angry looking, but still both rushed to comply.

Griphook left the office and the seated goblin looked at the two over a pair of half moon glasses.

"I see, Mr. Potter, that we have to threaten your funds to get you to comply."

Harry raised a brow.

"I'm sorry?"

The goblin snarled.

"Thirty three messages un-answered, Mr. Potter, maybe you should be."

Lavender's jaw dropped.

"Excuse me, Mr. Goblin who's name I don't know since he didn't bother to introduce himself! You are being terribly rude! We came here to remove funds and because we have reason to believe someone has been stealing from 's accounts! I'd like to remind you that Mr. Potter does not HAVE to bank here, especially with THIS service. It's obvious he doesn't know what you're talking about. I suggest you watch your tone!"

The room was silent for a full 30 seconds and Lavender was beginning to think she'd made a mistake when the Goblin in question broke out into full laughter.

Both teens looked to eachother, then to the goblin, who was wiping his eyes with a tissue and still chuckilng.

"It's been quite a while since anyone has spoken to me in such a way. The young miss is correct. Mr. Potter, I must ask. Why have you not gotten back to Gringotts regarding the thirty-three status reports we have sent you?"

Harry's jaw dropped and he shook his head.

"I- I'm sorry, but I haven't received any correspondence from Gringotts."

Lavender let out a 'Hm!' and folded her arms while the Goblin took his turn to be shocked.

"I must apologize over the misunderstanding then, Mr. Potter. Over the last five years we have sent you 20 quarterly reports, 10 questionings into irregular spending, and three requests since the death of one Sirius Black to set up a time for the will reading. You haven't received your mail?"

Harry's face turned red and he shook his head. Lavender squeezed his hand and took up the discussion

"We have reason to believe the headmaster has been abusing Harry's funds while purposely keeping him out of the loop. If anyone would want to keep these statements from Harry it'd be him."

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><p>An hour later, a steaming Harry Potter and Lavender Brown left Gringotts.<p>

Harry had signed for an emancipation within the rights of the black estate and sealed access to both the Potter and Black accounts.

Dumbledore had been removing "Care costs" for Harry for the last 14 years and allowing access to his vaults to members of the order. They were perfectly willing to reverse the action, but Harry had to go through fifteen years of ledgers first.

Still, even with the theft, Harry now had access to his trust and family vaults. His trust, which he had thought to be his only vault, contained close to 140,000 gallons. This vault was only supposed to be used for Harry's spending, set at 10,000 gallons a year. Since Harry had only used about 200 gallons from it in five years, the amount hadn't changed much.

His family vault, of which the stolen funds had come from as well as his tuition, contained roughly 128 million gallons, 5 million of which was set aside to handle and aid his investments. As his investments brought in more then that yearly, he didn't really mind.

Armed with a shiney new credit card, which was black and apparently impressive to the muggles, They made their way back to Lavender's apartment to catch their port key.

"Lavender? Can I ask a question?"

"You just did! I've always wanted to say that. Sorry. Yes."

Harry laughed and linked his arm with hers.

"Do you... live alone?"

Lavender gave his hand a squeeze and nodded.

"My parents were killed in the war. I grew up with my aunt Percilla, but she didn't really like me. She wasn't mean, or abusive, just indifferent. When I turned 14, I filed for a magical emancipation. Since my parents were rich and I could provide for myself, it was granted. The flat is my own little home away from Hogwarts."

Harry stopped walking.

"I-I'm sorry. Sometimes I guess I get so caught up in my troubles I forget I'm not the only one."

Lavender grabbed both sides of his face and kissed his forhead.

"No worries. You aren't the only one who suffered, but it doesn't diminish your suffering."

Harry grabbed her hand and squeezed. and continued walking.

"Diminish. That's a good word."

Lavender smiled. "Thanks. Word of the day calender. If only I could find a use for Cornucopia I'd only be four months behind!"


End file.
